I don't write anymore. I should, but I don't. I think of what I could write each night, plan it out in my head, think of the lesson behind my thoughts, but then I tuck it away, and eventually it quietly slips from my memory without even being noticed. That scares me. It scares me to think that as my age increases and my stress level rises, that I become more forgetful. This is a family trait, it is inevitable. So today I will write.
I started this blog to record my experience in Uganda. It seems odd to me that three years ago I went to Africa. It is almost surreal, like a picture swimming in a vast array of images in my brain. Lessons and emotions, still, at times seem as fresh as the day they occurred.
But so much has happened. I am not the same as I was when I went. I am not the same as I was last week, nor do I ever want to be the same.
In the past couple of years, I experienced a severe bout with depression that I wasn't sure I would be able to overcome it. I dropped out of the Masters program, lost some friends, became more introverted, gained a billion pounds trying to find the right combination that would allow me to get out of bed in the morning and breathe through my day. In the end, what I needed was to pull my own boot straps and allow God to show me what direction to go.I needed to realize that I was human, and the only thing there is to help me is faith.
In November, I changed jobs. I did not realize I needed to change jobs, but now, I realize how desperately I needed this change. I was burned out, stagnate. Changing jobs, brought me back to the field of professionalism, and for the first time in a long time, I found myself in love with my job.
In November, I discovered we were expecting for the fourth time. But, not in an ordinary way. We were expecting our family to grow with the addition of a sixteen year old boy. I have the say the labor and recovery was wonderful! A quick, "he's all yours!" and suddenly we were a family of five...well, six. It has taken some getting used to, things are more cramped, laundry piles higher, but our family feels good. He fits. He belongs to us, with us. He is our son. While we know there are more obstacles ahead, he is worth it. He is worth every loss of words, every "what now" and every "how do we..." I wouldn't have it any other way. In July, he became a permanent member of our family. I am not sure if he understand the repercussions of being stuck with us forever, but we definitely understood what it meant for us.
It was the day he became ours. The day we were to be happy and to celebrate that he as a permanent part of our family. Our life changed. I changed. We all changed. It as a simple text from my cousin, "call me when you can." I dialed, happy to talk to her and because we were going to close a crazy chapter. She didn't answer the phone. Shortly after, she returned my call. "WE are in Dayton, at Miami Valley. They found a tumor on mom's brain. They will operate tomorrow...it is cancer." It is cancer. It is cancer. It is cancer. Suddenly court did not matter, what we were doing afterward did not matter. My mind only heard one sentence...it is cancer. Surgery went as well as to be expected, and like expected, it was cancer. Glioblastoma stage four...terminal...
My aunt did not take this news with surrender and acceptance. Her response...death isn't an option. So a week after brain surgery, she was doing payroll from her house. With radiation and chemo causing her to take brief time outs each week, she continues to live her life like today is her last... never taking for granted that tomorrow will be there. Making sure we know her love.
With this diagnosis, my perspective changed. My goal is to be able to stop and enjoy. To realize what a short time we all have . That it is a choice as to what we see. Little accomplishments can be celebrated in the same manner as major accomplishments. Little things can be insignificant in the scheme of the bigger picture. And at times, perhaps I need to remember this a little more.
So this brings me to why I decided to peck the keys tonight...
Perspective is my key word this year. Perspective. There is always a choice in how things are seen and processed.
Tonight I was driving to get the kids from bible study when I noticed a giant, almost full moon. Right away this sent my mind reeling as to what it meant for me at work tomorrow. Anyone who works with kids will tell you there is definitely a correlation between the moon and the moods of children. While thinking of the battles that haven't even occurred and have no guarantee of occurring, I glanced into my rear view mirror. I was awed by the amazing sunset. But, I had almost missed it. I had almost missed the magnificence of God's handiwork, worrying over something I cannot control. I needed the perspective check. God gives me these little reminders that I need to bring myself back into check, and for this I am grateful. God gives each of us these little reminders that we have a choice in what we chose to see. I am so glad that God is patient with me and gives me several opportunities to learn even the simplest of lessons.
