Ebenezer is not a "who"

         Robert was by far the living definition of a juvenile deliquent. He had lost his father at the age of 8. By fourteen, his defiance and path of destrution became too much for his mother to handle. In desperation, she sent her son away in hopes that an apprenticeship would straighten him out. Instead, he plummeted further down his dangerous path. Until one day, at the age of seventeen, with full intent to crash an evangelistic meeting, h showed up at a church.  God worked His love and changed this young boy's heart. By the age of 20, Robert had left his disasterous ways and had become a minister, preaching God's word to others. While preparing a sermon, at the age of 23, God's love inspired Robert to a poem that was later set to music. Today, 250 plus years later, we know this hymn as "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing."

   A while back, my pastor did a sermon based on this song. This sermon has stuck with me, because of one word: Ebenezer. If you are like me, immediately your mind flashed to your favorite version of the Christmas Carol and you were seeing good 'ol Scooge.  But that isn't the Ebenezer that I mean. In the second verse of the Come Thou Fount, there is a line that states, "Here I raise my Ebenezer..." Again, insert  mental image of a giant hand lifting Scrooge high into the air. Yet, the Ebenezer in this song is a "what" not a "who." 

   In the book of 1 Samuel, the Ark of the Covenant is taken in battle from the Israelites by the Philistines. This did work out so well for this clan! The Ark, did not bring great fortune for the Philistines, instead it brought death and destruction, to the point that the people were beggng for it to be sent back. Eventually, the Philistines loaded it up, sent it back, and called it good. Several years later,  they attacked the Israelites again, looking for an easy victory. Instead, the Israelites called on God's favor, and defeated the Philistines. In honor of this victory and to honor God's hand in this battle, Samuel took a stone, named it Ebenezer, placed it between two cities as a physical reminder of God's help.

Ebenezer-- a stone. A stone whose name literally translates to the "stone of help." It is a physical reminder of what God has brought us through, His holy sovereignty, His divine help,  a reminder of  His ever present, unfailing love.  I'm no expert, but I think by definition, this Ebenezer is way better than a stingy old man! 

I am thankful that like Robert, at the age of seventten, God met me and molded my heart for His love. Since then, God has brought many Ebenezers into my life: songs, passages, sermons, people. But I have to say, my strongest, most readily called on Ebenezer is my first bible. The bible I received before I knew God, that I used to discover Him, that I sought comfort in while learning who I was in Him.  Like Robert, and his struggles, there are times that my heart is "prone to wonder, to leave the God I love."   When I feel lost, and need that stone of help, it is then I open my drawer and pull out this bible. I unzip the faded, stained cover, open it, and begin to absorb the words written inside.  It is filled with notes from those who helped guide me in the beginning of my journey. Passages are highlighted with notes of importance. Prayers are written in the margins. It is there, in this book that I am able to ground myself again, refocus myself. It is in its pages that I am drawn to bow my heart before God, admit my never ending need for His divine guidance and ever plentiful grace. It is there that I can quiet my heart, drowned out the distractions, and remember why I so desperately need to fall face down infront of my God. To anyone else, this bible is just that, the written word of God. And while I know and ackowledge that, I also know that at times, it is the Ebenezer I so desperately need in order to find my way back to my Father.

As time passed, Robert fell away from his relationship with God. It is said that at one point, he encounted a woman on a stagecoach, obliviousy to who he was. Somehow,  in conversation, she quoted words from the song to him. He then told her that he was the man who wrote that song and how he would give anything to feel what he had felt when he was walking with the Lord. To this, it is said she replied, "Sir, the "streams of mercy" are still flowing."  I am not sure if Robert ever discovered the Ebenezer that he needed in order to renew his relationship with God.I would like to think that this woman's gentle reminder was the Ebenezer he needed.  For me, I am grateful for each Ebenezer I encounter, that keeps me my heart bowed, and my eyes focused upward!

Blurred Lines

Exactly one month ago, I resigned from my job. The decision, while some may think was made in haste, was well thought out. Being an educator this day and age is scary enough before adding in inconsistent expectations, bendable rules, and unpredictable responses from administration. Then top off with a little common core, student preformance based evaluations, a blood thirsty media, and it is a recipe for burnout.

Last fall  I, along with the rest of the teaching staff, attended a training by legal counsel on the topic of teachers, first admendment right, and social media. The jist of the seminar, educators are not afforded the same first admendment rights promised in the Constitution. Educators, somewhere between the licensure exam and first teaching assigment sign, away these rights, and are given the cape of a super hero. Perhaps, there is a vow of celibacy from being real that should be added at the bottom of the exam or licensure application. 

The seminar warned of how what is posted on social media can cost one their job. A single picture of a professional enjoying a glass of wine cost that individual her job. The decision of termination was upheld by the supreme court.  To be honest, this was somewhat concerning, yet really didn't apply to me. I am always careful. I don't want to be offensive. My theory is, if I am friends with my aunt who is in her 90's, with my pastor, with my family, what I write is nothing I will be ashamed of sharing. It isn't out of fear of retaliation or even of offending someone, but more because that is who I strive to be. Not that I am always successful, but it is my goal. You can only imagine my surprise when I recieved a call saying that something I posted had caused an uproar in the local school district. 

By the sound of things, you would have thought I had unveiled the district's most well protected secret, condemned the district to Hell,  or had posted pictures of me pole dancing at the local Hooters while wearing a ripped up shirt with the school's name on it.  Nope, I wrote that I had mixed feelings of being moved to a new position. I posted that my students were made of aware of this move before I was given the official word.  So, why the uproar? The issue was one of my FB friends is a parent of one of my students.  Was I really portraying the district in a positive manner? 

My faceook page is not linked to the district I taught in nor the agency I was employed by. It is not linked to what city I live in or even what school I graduated from. Why? Because I like my privacy. After that seminar,  I came home and deleted all of my coworkers from my account. But, as the year progressed, these coworkers crossed the line and became friends. Friends that I spent more time with than I did my own family. Friends that were my support system at work and in my life. Apparently they too forgot to take the oath of professional relationship only, no mingling as friends. Then there were the students and parents. I have always upheld the rule, "if I am your teacher, I cannot be your FB friend." So after students left my class,  I would get requests. This happened with family members,too. To be honest it was a case by case decision whether or not I accept. While an educator is not supposed to show favortism, there were definitely some students and parents that I clicked with more than with others.

I always knew that I would teach. I guess it is in my blood. In 1915, my great grandfather, a recent graduate of Miami University,was awarded his first teaching certificates--one in Ohio and one in Florida. . He taught in the community he grew up in. He taught his siblings, he taught his friends' siblings, he even taught his own children. While I am positive he was well respected as an educator, he was also well respected in the community. I bet he knew the students' parents' names, their siblings, and even what was going on in their lives. I bet he strived to not only teach academics, but the importance of being a responsible citizen. I know he had compassion and I am sure there were more times than any one knows that he went over and beyond what is expected.  In 1946, my great grandmoher was awarded a teaching a certificate. Their daughters went on to teach. My cousins, second cousins, third cousins, and cousins once or twice removed have been educators.  Not only is there a desire to teach that runs in our genes, but there is a strong gene of compassion that runs through as well.

I wonder what my grandfather would say if he knew that it was a test score, that he had little influence over that now defines who is and isn't a great educator. That it isn't about the relationship you build, the compassion you give, or the reputation you have built in the community, but a score. One score. One score, determines the worth of a teacher. Would he have advised me to "kill and drill" my students? Or would he have advised me to carry on the way I was teaching? Would he still have been considered an outstanding educator?

I was faulted for blurring the lines between professional and personal life. I was faulted for being too involved. But, this past weekend, when our family experienced a sudden emergency, it was the families that I blurred this line with, that came to my rescue. These are the people I trusted with my children when I had no one to help me. These are the people that brought us hot meals, that are praying for our son's recovery. These are the people that pulled strings and asked for favors to make sure some other issues were taken care of. I am glad that I blurred the lines and took a chance to get to know these families. I am glad that I can call them friends outside of a classroom.  These are the people that have become part of my family. And I have a sneaky suspicion that my great grandfather would tell me, this is how a supportive community works, regardless of one's role!

Good-bye Robin

 

 Two days ago on Monday, August 11, a beloved actor and comedian was found hanging in his house. The coroner's report "death by asphyxiation."  The man who had brought so much laughter into our lives had been plagued with mental illness, and after fighting what could have been a life long diagnosis, Robin lost his battle. By evening, Robin's death was on every channel and overtook the social networks. Yesterday, I opened my Facebook page to see that this had only increased, and I found myself frustrated. Don't get me wrong,the loss of this man is an atrocity for the film world, for his many fans, and most importantly, for his family. But, I found myself wondering, why are we making such a big deal out of it?

    In spite of his fame, Robin was no different that the other 107 people, who according to statistics committed suicide on the same day. No different than the woman found in her car, the man in his apartment, the man in the carry-out, or the man found in his shop. His family is left reeling like others left behind, wondering what they could have done differently.They have now joined a new culture, the group of over 4.8 billion suicide survivors (based on statistics of the number of survivors between 1987-2011).

    The reports say Robin was found hanging from a belt, but on his wrist were superficial cuts, and the knife lay near by. I know these superficial cuts, I bear their faded scars.I have been to the point Robin found himself that morning. I have been to the point that no other option made sense. Luckily, I was able to slowly climb out of its grasps. Luckily, like the estimated 987, 950 who unsuccessfully attempt suicide each year,  I did not succeed. It is shocking to know that every 27 seconds, another person feels this is their only option, and unsuccessfully attempts to end their life. It is shocking to think that we can be so blind to over look so much pain, ignore it, or play it off as nothing.

 I still struggle to keep my depression under control. I have no choice but to pop a few happy pills each day in order to help me through the day. Some may argue and say I do have a choice. I could pray harder, exercise more, find things that make me happy, or just push on (trust me, I have heard it all). They would never say this to the cancer patient, the heart patient, or someone with diabetes. It goes to show how far we have yet to go in understanding. My brain does not produce a chemical needed to keep things on an even keel. It is a medical condition, not a choice. The choice lies in what role I allow it to play in my life, although sometimes, even that feels out of my control. The choice lies in whether I seek assistance and find support to help keep me in check.

   Not only do I understand the pain Robin faced, but I understand the pain that his family and friends are dealing with. Suicide has reared its ugly head in my family way too many times. I have seen the continual devastation and pain it causes. I pray that for Robin,'s family and the families of the others who died on Monday, that people set aside their judgement, reach out to them, and support those who  left behind.

   It is my hope that shock of Robin's death and the sudden surge of  interest in recognizing mental illness does not fade.It is my hope that Robin's death will not overshadow the other 107 who died on Monday, the other 755 who will commit suicide this week, the other 39, 517 who will succeed at suicide this year. Instead I hope that it brings a deeper awareness and understanding of mental illness. I hope it challenges us to check in on others, take a minute to listen, and take a minute to care. I hope,that we, as a society, do not let this interest fade once the shock wears off, but instead we use it as the springboard to spend more time researching, educating ourselves and others to the facts, not the myths of this terrible disease.  I hope that each of us can reach out to those who are battling depression and other mental illness, that we can reach out to those left behind. It is time to set aside our stereotypes, prejudices, and ignorance and learn about the disease that is the third leading cause of death in youth and the tenth leading cause of death in our nation.

    Good-bye, Robin. You were one of the greats! I pray that you have found the peace you searched desperately for in your life. I pray that your legacy lives on, not on the screen or in the thought of lost talent, but in the research and awareness of mental illness.


(Statistics from the American Association of Suicidology, based current data of 2011)

Trusting Him and Letting Go

     I stood in the sanctuary this morning with tears rolling down my face as I sung, well maybe blubbered out the words, "Step by step, You lead me, and I will follow You all of my days. Oh God, You are my God, and I will follow you..." I remember the first time that I heard this song, as a seventeen-year-old new believer, sitting in a Lutheran service. I remember the words speak to me. Following God is what I wanted with my life, nothing more and nothing less. It seems that since then, my walk with Him has taken many turns, climbed many hills, and trudged through many forsaken and barren lands. Through this, the only thing that has remained constant, His love for me. Not my desire to always put Him first, but His unfailing love and ever open arms.

     Today, standing in the sanctuary, my tears readily fell as my arms were outstretched to Him. I meant the words I uttered. For the first time in a long time, I knew that I was where He wanted me to be, and together we were about to embark on an amazing journey. For seventeen years, I have taught children. I started with preschool, went to kindergarten, then to special ed. where I have taught every grade, except kindergarten! I believe it is probably a good estimate to say in the last 17 years, more than 300 students have passed through my classroom. At first, that didn't sound like many, but then I began to think. After my first two years of teaching, the most students I had at one time was 16 due to location or because of special education laws. Many of these children, I have loved like my own. Some I have "raised" in my classroom due to somehow being their teacher for multiple years... One in particular, I got in first grade and had him every year until he was a sophomore.

    Some stop by my house, to grab a quick bite or a can of soda, some email asking for tutoring, or just to ask me to come to their football games to support them. I have received graduation announcements, shown pictures of their children, and been asked if they could crash on the couch. I have bought coats, shoes, clothes, food, school supplies, personal hygiene supplies, and so much more. I have learned family names, been invited to family functions,and been supported by these wonderful families when my oldest child died. These families, were there for me when I couldn't be there for them. To me, teaching was never my job nor my profession; it was my passion, my life; but even more, it was my mission. This is what God had called me to do. He didn't call me just to teach, but to work with children and share His love for each of them: to teach them, love them, and to guide them.

     Now, God has opened a door, not just for me, but for my family, and we are very excited. At first, I thought I could manage both jobs, but in reality I have felt that my time in a classroom was soon coming to an end. I knew I was being lead in a different direction. This week, due to unforeseen circumstances (well, at least unforeseen by me), I knew it was time to let go. Last week, I resigned from teaching knowing that if I ever step return to a classroom, it will be as a volunteer, and eventually, maybe as a sub. This decision was difficult for me, but yet, I have been given a peace that surpasses my rationale.

     Leaving my job plummets our family well below our current mean and style of living. For that matter, it leaves us living below what society calls the "poverty level." It leaves us without health insurance, dental, or vision insurance. This, in itself, is going to require us to shift our thought process and learn to depend on God more than ever. But you see, financially, we may be broke and eating ramen noodles for a bit, but spiritually, we are beyond rich. I know that God will reward our obedience as long as we keep our eyes focused on Him. I know that for the next nine months, I have been given the most amazing gifts--the gift of being a mom. For the first time in my chldren's lives, I will be able to volunteer at their schools, have a lunch date with them, help them. The gift of being able to serve others. For this short time, I will be more readily available to help my aunt as she battles cancer. For the first time, in a long time, I may even try to cook meals. You are right, no need to get carried away.

       I will miss some of my amazing colleagues, Opening Day (which was really more about seeing past colleagues than anything else), and giving my boss a hard time. I will miss my students' faces and the feeling of watching them succeed. I will even miss writing IEP's, believe it or not. (No worries, I won't miss testing, or evaluations). I will miss the daily interactions with students that aren't in my classroom but have come to know. I will miss the smell of school supplies, the shiny floors of a freshly redone hallway.

        This morning in the sanctuary, surrounded by my church family, I found myself singing my prayer, praise, and promise..."step by step You lead me, and I will follow you with all of my heart!"

thoughts and tidbits

I don't write anymore. I should, but I don't. I think of what I could write each night, plan it out in my head, think of the lesson behind my thoughts, but then I tuck it away, and eventually it quietly slips from my memory without even being noticed. That scares me. It scares me to think that as my age increases and my stress level rises, that I become more forgetful. This is a family trait, it is inevitable. So today I will write. I started this blog to record my experience in Uganda. It seems odd to me that three years ago I went to Africa. It is almost surreal, like a picture swimming in a vast array of images in my brain. Lessons and emotions, still, at times seem as fresh as the day they occurred.

But so much has happened. I am not the same as I was when I went. I am not the same as I was last week, nor do I ever want to be the same. In the past couple of years, I experienced a severe bout with depression that I wasn't sure I would be able to overcome it. I dropped out of the Masters program, lost some friends, became more introverted, gained a billion pounds trying to find the right combination that would allow me to get out of bed in the morning and breathe through my day. In the end, what I needed was to pull my own boot straps and allow God to show me what direction to go.I needed to realize that I was human, and the only thing there is to help me is faith. In November, I changed jobs. I did not realize I needed to change jobs, but now, I realize how desperately I needed this change. I was burned out, stagnate. Changing jobs, brought me back to the field of professionalism, and for the first time in a long time, I found myself in love with my job.

 In November, I discovered we were expecting for the fourth time. But, not in an ordinary way. We were expecting our family to grow with the addition of a sixteen year old boy. I have the say the labor and recovery was wonderful! A quick, "he's all yours!" and suddenly we were a family of five...well, six. It has taken some getting used to, things are more cramped, laundry piles higher, but our family feels good. He fits. He belongs to us, with us. He is our son. While we know there are more obstacles ahead, he is worth it. He is worth every loss of words, every "what now" and every "how do we..." I wouldn't have it any other way. In July, he became a permanent member of our family. I am not sure if he understand the repercussions of being stuck with us forever, but we definitely understood what it meant for us.

 It was the day he became ours. The day we were to be happy and to celebrate that he as a permanent part of our family. Our life changed. I changed. We all changed. It as a simple text from my cousin, "call me when you can." I dialed, happy to talk to her and because we were going to close a crazy chapter. She didn't answer the phone. Shortly after, she returned my call. "WE are in Dayton, at Miami Valley. They found a tumor on mom's brain. They will operate tomorrow...it is cancer." It is cancer. It is cancer. It is cancer. Suddenly court did not matter, what we were doing afterward did not matter. My mind only heard one sentence...it is cancer. Surgery went as well as to be expected, and like expected, it was cancer. Glioblastoma stage four...terminal...

My aunt did not take this news with surrender and acceptance. Her response...death isn't an option. So a week after brain surgery, she was doing payroll from her house. With radiation and chemo causing her to take brief time outs each week, she continues to live her life like today is her last... never taking for granted that tomorrow will be there. Making sure we know her love. With this diagnosis, my perspective changed. My goal is to be able to stop and enjoy. To realize what a short time we all have . That it is a choice as to what we see. Little accomplishments can be celebrated in the same manner as major accomplishments. Little things can be insignificant in the scheme of the bigger picture. And at times, perhaps I need to remember this a little more.

 So this brings me to why I decided to peck the keys tonight... Perspective is my key word this year. Perspective. There is always a choice in how things are seen and processed. Tonight I was driving to get the kids from bible study when I noticed a giant, almost full moon. Right away this sent my mind reeling as to what it meant for me at work tomorrow. Anyone who works with kids will tell you there is definitely a correlation between the moon and the moods of children. While thinking of the battles that haven't even occurred and have no guarantee of occurring, I glanced into my rear view mirror. I was awed by the amazing sunset. But, I had almost missed it. I had almost missed the magnificence of God's handiwork, worrying over something I cannot control. I needed the perspective check. God gives me these little reminders that I need to bring myself back into check, and for this I am grateful. God gives each of us these little reminders that we have a choice in what we chose to see. I am so glad that God is patient with me and gives me several opportunities to learn even the simplest of lessons.

Sixth Months Later....

My sophomore year in college, I went to a missionary conference over the Christmas Break with several other students from Bluffton. I was a new Christian and in love with only Him. The conference changed my life. I knew at the age of 18 that my goal was to serve Christ with all I had. Worshiping with 18,000+ believers, and sharing in communion at midnight on New's Years Day was very powerful. I remember coming back from the conference high on the mountain top, ready to serve. Yet, some how between that conference in 1994 and 2008, I lost that feeling and forgot what my ultimate goal was. I forgot what it was to put God first and my desire to serve only Him. Somehow, I had strayed. Maybe it was the time factor,the choices I made, life circumstances, or perhaps a little of everything. Regardless of how it happened, in 2008 I began to realize, I was no where near who I wanted to be and my relationship with God was less than I ever imagined it would be. I began slowly finding God and the relationship with Him that I had lost. When I began attending Liberty, God began moving in a mighty way.

Sixth months ago, I was in Africa. When I was asked, I really had no idea why I was asked or why God would want me to go. I had nothing to offer anyone, or so I thought. My experience in Africa, like that of the missionary conference was life altering. Unlike the conference, I did not come back on the mountain top high (I came back exhausted beyond belief! :~)) I came back with the understanding that God was wanting more of me, and I wanted more of Him.

I learned a lot from the women and children that we met. I don't think that is how it was supposed to work. I thought I was going to Uganda to serve them, not to be served by them. What a surprise God had in store for me! To be given so much, to be shown such unconditional love and gratitude was powerful. To see people making sacrifices for me, when I knew it was all they had, was humbling. They didn't ask me if I deserved their welcome or their acceptance, they gave it freely.

People have asked me several times what it was like to be in Africa with those that have "so little," betting I saw things I could never have imagined. They are right in some sense. Maybe they had very little by our western, materialistic standard. But for those who had found Jesus, they were wealthier than anyone I have ever met. As for seeing things I never imagined, you bet! I saw a woman give up her only chicken in gratitude for us coming to visit her. I saw proud moms showing off their children. I saw children with clothes that didn't fit, with extended bellies, playing with bottle caps, with the greatest smiles one could ever imagine. I saw Jesus in each of them.

Since returning from Africa, I have sought God with a renewed passion. I have read, prayed, and studied. My goal is to allow Him to work through me and in me, all for His glory. Life has not gotten easier since my trip to Africa. If anything, things have been tougher. Some days I can focus on Him, and other days I need a reminder that His plan is far greater than I can understand. Many times, it is on these days that I run across a teaspoon laying in the strangest places (Read "The Teaspoon" if this doesn't make sense to you! ). I used to pick them up, throw them in the sink. and wonder why in the world the kids were playing with the teaspoons and why they were all over the house. Now, I stop, smile, and thank God for the reminder. He continues to show me his mercy and love, I just need to remember to slow down and allow Him the chance.

Africa changed me, but not in the way I thought it would. It changed my perspective. It changed my desires and goals. He continues to show me that the secret to my contentment is to trust in Him for the strength I need in each and every situation (Philippians 4:12-13)! I'm not the greatest or strongest in my faith. Sometimes,I have hard time trusting that He has a greater plan and allowing Him to work, but I do know one thing, and to this I will cling, "I belong to Jesus!"

done............well, almost

The last day of school for my students is tomorrow. I will be quite honest in saying I am NOT sad about this! :-)This year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Two different bosses, staff relation problems, unethical behaviors, students that were beyond my realm of ability to help...these are just a few things that affected my year. I filed my first workman's comp claim this year...after nine years of working with students with emotional disturbances and thirteen years of teaching. Had a SCREAMING fight with my boss in the middle of a hallway (Not quite my style) It was not a good year. Well, until I started thinking about it and realized it depended on my perspective. I needed to change how I was looking at this year. When I changed my perspective, this was by far the best year that I have had with my students. I have seen amazing progress this year. I have had the privilege of watching how God moves and changes eight students. Yep, I said God, and yep, I teach in the public schools. God is awesome, He doesn't care about "keeping religion out of school" rule. I don't preach to my kids, I don't have to, God works in other ways. I had an amazing staff that were true examples of living one's faith. This year I also had the privilege of having my husband work with me in my classroom. This provided a different atmosphere than ever before. Between Rick being there, myself, and the ladies who work in my room, a family atmosphere emerged.

At the end of the year, we spend a significant amount of time cleaning. Since supplies are very limited, we reuse everything we can. While cleaning out notebooks, we ran across a journal entry written in March by the student I affectionately nicknamed "Big Guy" this year. This is what he said...

If my life was perfect, I would be in Africa, not Ohio. I would have nice clothes and shoes. My family would have a cookout without fighting. Mr. Wilson and I would hang out all day, every day.

Yesterday, there was a knock on my door. When I went to open it, there was a student I had two years ago standing there. In a fashion true to his personality, he announced his arrival and visited for ten minutes before announcing he must leave. He is doing well he said. Done with "being a bad kid." He had grown at least a foot since I had seen him last. Yesterday when he left, I knew he would be okay. He had found what he needed to be okay with himself and with his place in the world.

I can't...won't take credit for any kid's behavior changes, I am honored that God chose to use me to touch these kids lives. And I am blessed to be given such huge gifts of seeing how they are transformed...

I don't know what next year holds...but I am okay with that because I know that God already has it planned down to the finest detail. No matter where or what it is, I will do my job to the best of my abilit, and I will remain faithful that it is all for God's glory.